I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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