Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
