Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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