why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
