Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
