i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
