She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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