she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
