Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
