You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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