Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
