I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
