Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
