and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i think i have herpe
just one?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
