I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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