the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
