I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
