Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
