But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
