I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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