I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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