Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
