He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize