I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i think im in europe. pls send help
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
