Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
