I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I intend to get homeless drunk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
