So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
