dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
