I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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