Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
