My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
