I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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