i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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