My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
