What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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