i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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