On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
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i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
A bitchslap is in order.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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