I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.