Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
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The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
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I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE