man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.