Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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