Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm like, not good at living.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
