dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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