Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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