He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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