when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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