mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
