Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
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Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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