I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
