and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
