there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
