i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
