did you get engaged???
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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