if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
