Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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