So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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