My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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