I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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