Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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