I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
