just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
