Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
